Loving is a Fear
by narrizan
Summary: No attachments, means no love, which means learning about love is indeed a fearful thing. Part 37 of the 49 Days series on AO3


Loving is a Fear

Notes: Usual disclaimers apply. Not for profit, for fun

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When Kanda comes through those doors, that time in the ark with an unconscious Krory over his back, Lavi's relief washes over him like a waterfall, and he cannot help himself that yes, his heart might just burst from the overwhelming depth of it.

But Krory doesn't wake up. He sleeps through his hunger and right through the destruction of headquarters. Lavi worries, because he feels somewhat responsible for the man after all he had a hand in the destruction of the Akuma that was - still is - Krory's one true love. The way he whispers her name, tenderly - in his sleep. "Eliade" - a promise of forever.

Lavi wants to tell Krory different, Lavi wants to tell him that he can find love again, but who is he to give advice on something he does not know anything about. But Krory wakes up eventually and he is fine, though given to bouts of melancholia. Lavi catches him gazing into the distance, as if someone just called his name. Lavi sees him suddenly close his eyes and breathe in gently, as if catching a scent on a breeze.

It strikes him how remarkably similar the situation is to Yuu and his yearning for That Other. The difference is Krory had closure, even if the end was cruel, painful and tinged with guilt, there is the sense of closure. He's made his peace with it, and thus will live with it. The story is yet incomplete for Yuu, and his purpose is That - and being an Exorcist.

Lavi ponders on this. If love so all encompassing is such pain, maybe the Bookman way is the way to go after all, but - how they live. How they DO live. Yuu, with all the pain that lies beneath, lives brashly, fully and lives with such strength it is frightening to watch. Purpose, balance and thunder clouds. Krory with all his daydreaming and naivete lives in perpetual wonder of it all. Every moment new, every experience filled with emotion.

The one time that he gives in to that feeling. He remembers, coming out from Road's dreamworld. The determination to come through, beat the Noah at her own game, throw himself into death's fiery maw, because, because it is the only way to live. When he lies there next to Allen, beaten up, cut up and bruised. Just SO good to be. BE alive. That, is probably why he thought that the old man would be so mad with him. Him feeling, feeling wholeheartedly. Yes heart. Wholely. Feeling. Highly out of character for a Bookman and Lavi admits to himself that it is the most terrifying experience of his life.

Did Bookman sense this fear in him all those years ago and think that he was a candidate for the training because of his inability to love? Or is it the training that has slowly instilled this fear in him? At some deep level beyond his understanding, did his consciousness surreptitiously build up walls?

He keeps going over this time and again, his mind going round in deepening spirals. This on the top of everything else he thinks about. He smiles to himself. Yuu is right about him. He does think too much.

"Oi! Rabbit!" Someone kicks him hard in the shins under the long table. Lavi is shaken out of reverie.

"Yuu - that hurt."

"You're daydreaming again."

Lavi laughs, lightly. Ahh if only you knew Yuu, what will you say?

"Whatever it is, stop it!" Kanda Yuu simply furrows his brows together and squints at him. "It's annoying."

Sometimes wearing a mask confuses himself. It throws his thoughts into disarray. Yes Yuu, I do think too much

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Fin

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Notes: This is for posting date 5 Sept, if it was your Birthday then, Happy Belated Birthday.

Ascended_Sleepers, you said:- "Krory is feeling down because of Eliad and Lavi tries to give him love advice, and he probably fails at it. Bonus if Kanda catches him :D" - unfortunately, my sleep deprived brain gave me that up there instead. I am so sorry. It definitely is not what I envisioned at the start. Small an offering, such as it is. Apologies.

I'm even too scared to gift it to you, but I will, since you did help me with ideas when I had none.

As ever, thank you every one who comes to read. Love and hugs - Zan

Part 37 of the 49 Days series


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